Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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