I hate all girls vehemently.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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