dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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