Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
