you turned your livingroom into a bong?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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