New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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