So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize