he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize