It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize