i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
