my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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