when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
