I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
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