All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
