She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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