I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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