doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
