i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just threw up on my dentist
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
