i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
