My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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