Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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