i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
