can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
