Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize