meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
