cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
