I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize