i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
