I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
