Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
