I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
