I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
