Me too!
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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