I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
