I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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