Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
