I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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