Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
