It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
