I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
