just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
