on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
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