if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
