It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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