how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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