I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
