Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
