My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He felt like a one man threesome
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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