i think my tv is drunk
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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