Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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