I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
