My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
