that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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