be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
