So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Randomize
