I only kidnapped one of them. chill
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize