I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
