I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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