i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
