During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
being pregnant is like rehab
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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