You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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