I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
