he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
