I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
she told me i tasted like america
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
