If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
